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Using Notebooks to Chat When Talking is Hard

Posted by on March 7, 2013 5 Comments

Sometimes she doesn’t want to talk.

mommy-daughter journal, the unofficial homeschooler, photography by Kamarah, Jane Graham

Sometimes words get stuck and feelings flutter and confuse.

And sometimes mamas and daughters mix in a way generally reserved for oil and water.

In those tender places ripe for injury and regret, we’ve learned to back away and let our ink pens tell the story. We’ve learned that retreat sometimes means salvation.

Using Notebooks to Share Feelings and Ask Tough Questions 

A few years ago in Words Kids Need To Hear, by David Staal (see affiliate link below) I first read about the notion of notebooks as journals with kids. The concept is simple:

  1. Invite your child to journal their feelings when talking them out feels too hard.
  2. Tell them nothing’s off limits! That tough questions or embarrassing questions are welcomed and met with love.
  3. Instruct them to do their writing and then leave it on mom’s bed or under mom’s pillow for a discreet response.
  4. Do your best to respond to your child within 24-28 hours.
  5. Hold up your end of the bargain — when tough issues are raised, respond in grace! No shaming or guilting!
  6. Return the journal to her room, leaving it under her pillow to find at night. (This also prevents drop-in friends from finding something so private and personal.)
That’s it! Our journal is a kelly green 17¢ notebook from Target that I titled with a Sharpie. Nothing fancy, but something special for my daughter and me. As a bonus, I’ll have a priceless keepsake as she grows up! Why not give it a try?
  • Buy a journal
  • Give it to your child
  • EITHER have a conversation about its purpose, OR…
  • Use the first page of the journal to write out an explanation.
  • Then, ask if they’d rather have you begin the journal dialogue or if they’d prefer to do so.
  • Let the dialogue begin!

 How do you deal with things when conversation is tricky?
   Special thanks to Photography by Kamarah for the beautiful pic of my daughter.

Filed Under: Communication | Tagged: Tagged With: , , , ,

Talking to Your Kids on Their Schedule–Not Your Own

Posted by on September 27, 2012 8 Comments

How many times have you been knee-deep into a project or on the brink of making an important phone call when a child appears wanting to unload his heart?

I have to admit, my selfish bone starts twitching and my first instinct is to ask them to wait.

There’s work to be done.

The computer shouts my name.

Tummies rumble and I know that dinner won’t make itself.

And yet…those eyes pout for time with mama. And I know that this moment can evaporate just as quickly as it appeared in front of me.

So the work will wait.

The computer will be silenced.

And dinner will be put on hold so we can talk.

Even when you don’t feel like it…

Let’s face it: we do plenty of things we don’t “feel like” doing. I’ll spare you my list, but it starts with scrubbing shower stalls and ends with matching widowed socks. Yet those things are inanimate objects with little value.

Sometimes I have to remind myself (when it’s 9:30 and my daughter wants to continue to recount her trials) that she is my daughter and she is precious. 

I also have to recognize that if I don’t take the time to talk now, why should I believe that when she’s 14 she’ll suddenly decide I’m caring and trustworthy enough to talk to? Why should I believe that she’ll turn to me in the future when the hurts are worse?

Ask questions to help them reveal their hearts

If you can see that your little one is weighed down or if he is struggling to get started, try asking a few open-ended questions. Make sure to follow up with further probes if you feel that you’re not getting to the root of the issue.

  • Tell me how recess is going at school…
  • What have you been thinking about lately?
  • Tell me about your friendships…
  • How’s your heart today?
  • I’ve noticed that __________. I’d love to help you work through it. Can you tell me a little about why _________?
  • How can I pray for you? (…and then DO it with your child! During the prayer ask him to finish so you can hear how he presents his cares to God.)
  • I know that _________ has been tough for you. What has been the hardest part?
We’re all guilty of letting sleepless nights shave off layers of patience and compassion. We’ve all said “no” in times when we probably should have said “yes.”

May God give us the discernment to spot the times when our children really need us. And may we have the will to ignore the dishes and the widowed socks so that we can truly listen.

How do you work to engage your kids on their schedule? What questions do you ask to keep them talking?

 [photo credit]

Filed Under: Communication, Discussion Ideas, Motherhood, Treasuring Your Kids | Tagged: Tagged With: , , ,

The Deathtrap of Multitasking

Posted by on March 11, 2012 6 Comments

Confession: my once organized, focused, “I-know-exactly-where-that-is” self has begun to fray. Instead of color-coded folders and tabbed binders, I now work in piles and the fine art of stuffing-the-cupboards-before-they-get-here.

Instead of checking items off my list, I’ve contemplated creating an “almost done” box to provide that small boost of encouragement; some word of condolence that I’m at least headed in the right direction and that I mean well.

It’s frustrating, but I think it’s my own fault. I’m trying to do too much, and worse, trying to do too much at the same time.

Friends, if you didn’t believe Good Morning America when they tried to tell you, I’m here to declare that multitasking is a deathtrap of lies.

  • You lose whatever focus you had left after birthing children and proceeding to make umpteen meals a week that nobody wants to eat.
  • The peaceful space between your ears becomes a ticker-tape of things that must. be. done. It’s hard to pray with that pixelly-red ticker tape flashing chores against the backs of your closed eyelids.
  • Completion. …what?? Oh, you mean I’m actutally supposed to start something and then finish it? What a concept.

    • This afternoon I sat down with my daughter to work on her violin.

    >> NOTE: a) I sat down. b) Without any other distractions. <<

    There was no phone near me. No computer propped open to temp my peripheral vision. The siblings were wreaking havoc outside–not three feet from her playing. Dinner didn’t need to be made; recipes weren’t being consulted.  Magazines weren’t being flipped through.

    For thirty minutes, her fingers and bowing and rhythm were the subject of my blinks and breaths. And I couldn’t believe the improvement in attitude, compliancy, and effort when my focus was directly on her and only her. 

    I’ve been lying to myself to think that I can do two or three things at the same time and do them well. It makes me cranky and irritable. It makes me feel like I’m spinning my wheels in the sand, when all the while, all I have to do is open my hands and let a few things fall so that I can better hold the one, best thing for that space in time.

    Today I opened my hands and dropped some noise. I tuned out the static and ignored the buzzing flies.

    What I found instead was a sparkling moment of peace.

    And I held on to that.

Filed Under: Chores/Tasks, Communication, Discipline, Music/Music Practice, Teaching Music | Tagged: Tagged With:

Home Alone Chart for Your Child

Posted by on October 18, 2011 5 Comments

Knowing when to allow your child to stay home alone—and for how long—is a tough patch of water to navigate.

Perhaps it was a different time [back in the 80's!] but I remember babysitting when I was ten! And for five children, at that! Was I exceptionally responsible? Or were the adults crazy?

I’m beginning to form the opinion that it depends on the child and it depends on the circumstances. At our house, only the oldest child has been left alone, and for a handful of minutes at that. Yet he feels ready, and he has earned our trust in small bites over the years.

For those reasons and others, we have begun to test the water little by little. Thankfully, these small steps have gone very smoothly and we feel we are moving at a reasonable pace with these new responsibilities. However, when our son recently decided to play outside with a buddy while I was gone, dad returned to an empty home and panicked!

The lessons we learned were:

  1. Even if you only anticipate being gone for a minute, leave a note with instructions and helps.
  2. Teach your expectations to your child before hand. Don’t assume they know them.
  3. Practice these expectations and review instructions often to ensure they’ve been soaked up by your child.
To help with the note, I’ve designed a FREE DOWNLOADABLE for you today to use in your home!
This is what we’ll be using from now on, and I think it will offer some peace of mind for those moments of transition and waiting for parents to return. Please share with your friends!
Click on the image above for a jpg document, or HERE for a pdf.

Have you waded into the water of leaving older children home alone? What have you learned? [photo]

Filed Under: Character Training, Communication, Lists, Teaching Obedience, Teaching Responsibility, Time Management, Training Children, Treasuring Your Kids, Uncategorized | Tagged: Tagged With: , , , ,

Doorbell Management

Posted by on August 23, 2011 2 Comments

One of the things I most love about living in a neighborhood is that our kids have a slew of best friends right outside the front door and down the street in either direction. There’s never a shortage of bike-jumping and doll-dressing in our piece of the world!

One of by-products of all these friends, however, is a lot of doorbell ringing. And as much as I love the tiny fingers and wide grins, there are times when I wouldn’t mind the bell not ringing.

Like when I’m disciplining one of our little cherubs.

Or when we’re doing chores [distractions do not = motivation to work here!]

Or when I’m home alone, napping reading.

So I borrowed an idea I read about years ago in Family Fun Magazine and updated it. I made a “Who Can Play?” doorbell chart, and I’m attaching a free download for you!

At our house, this chart is going to be posted in the sidelight window next to our front door. I’m going to “laminate” it first [read: cover with clear contact paper], and do the same with the “stoplights” that will be cut out and poster-puttied to the empty squares [the stoplights are not pictured, but are included with the download].

Using removable stoplights means that our kids will have to get in the habit of posting their current “stoplight color” according to what’s going on at home. While this will undoubtedly take some practice, I think the benefits will pay off in the end.

I’ll spend a couple of minutes teaching this new system to our friends, and then turn the reigns over to our little lovebugs.

We’ll see if they can learn to respect the stoplights hanging in our window just like mom has to respect the ones hanging in the street.

DOWNLOAD YOURS HERE!    Customizable Doorbell Chart, Ringing Doorbell

How do you handle ringing doorbells and other interruptions at your house? What innovative idea have you implemented?

 

 

Filed Under: Communication, Friends/Friendship, Teaching Responsibility, Time Management, Training Children | Tagged: Tagged With: , , , , ,

Bible Answers Devotional

Posted by on July 6, 2011 1 Comment

If your kids have questions, this book has some answers! I unearthed this treasure from a bargain book table and have been reading a few “questions” to each day as part of our devotions. Our kids have found them to be relevant, short and sweet, and perfectly to-the-point. The pages include cartoon sketches to illustrate the message, along with a Bible verse at the bottom that can be simply read, used as a reference tool for further study, or for memory work.

The Awesome Book of Bible Answers for Kids, by Josh McDowell and Kevin Johnson is a wonderful compilation of questions that every kid [and grown-up!] asks. The table of contents is divided up thematically with a series of Q & A under each theme:

  • Questions about God

  • Questions about Sin
  • Questions about Forgiveness
  • Questions about God’s Love
  • Questions about Prayer
  • Questions about Jesus
  • Questions about The Holy Spirit
  • Questions about The Devil
  • Questions about The Bible
  • Questions about Different Religions
  • Questions about Right and Wrong
  • Questions about The Future
  • Questions about Church
  • Questions about Death and Heaven

The entire book houses 77 questions and answers along with a learning and conversation guide for parents, an index of Bible verses, and an index of topics. If you’ve ever felt like you wanted to dive into a place that opens the door for questioning and turning to the Bible for answers, this book is the perfect gateway.

What have you been reading for your family devotions lately?

 

 

Filed Under: Bible Time, Checking for Understanding, Communication, Discussion Ideas, Family Devotions, Family Night, Spiritual Formation, Teaching Scripture, Treasuring Your Kids | Tagged: Tagged With: , ,

The Story of Us

Posted by on June 17, 2011 Leave a Comment

Hallmark All About Mom & Me

Hallmark Gold Crown does it again. [I'm sure I'll own my own store in heaven someday!] I found this adorable “write together” book amidst a small selection of other Hallmark books, and could immediately picture cozy moments shared with my daughter on Saturday afternoons, sipping ice water through a straw and munching on whole grain crackers, laughing.

Okay, it hasn’t turned out exactly that way, but it’s been a fun project for us to chip away at, providing opportunities for discussion and learning more about one another.

Hallmark books, Hallmark Gold Cards

One of the features that makes this book stand out for me is that it’s a keepsake. The pages are lovely and are meant to hold your secrets and dreams, guard your histories, and help herald in the future amidst inspiring illustrations. Some of the pages that we’ve done are Creating a Family Tree [see photo] and a Mom & Daughter Would You Rather.

As an Unofficial Homeschooler, I am happy to have my children home for the summer and am really looking forward to sharing our days together. My mind is brimming with all the possibilities of how we can parcel out our days and dive deep into learning opportunities together.
This book provides a natural entry point for some of those learning opportunities, and I love that. I love that it doesn’t feel like a lesson, it doesn’t feel like schoolwork or like history, but it is. My daughter thinks it’s great fun to sit down with mom and discover that all but one of our “would-you-rather’s” matched! [she would rather be able to breathe underwater, whereas I selected flying like a bird].
Some of the other highlights of this book include:
  • Drawing or writing about your perfect day
  • When I Was Little/When I Grow Up comparison pages
  • “Things Mom Can Do” / “Things I Can Do” checklists
  • “Your Secret is Safe With Me” pages for mom and daughter
  • …many more!

The best thing about a book like this is that it “forces us” to sit down together in the quiet [with our water and whole grain crackers...ha!] and talk. And listen. And open our hearts in new ways to each other.

And, as the commercials say, that’s priceless.

Have you ever done a “write together” book? Was was your favorite part of sitting down with your child to complete it?


Filed Under: Communication, Imagination, Motherhood, Time with Mom, Time with your Daughter, Treasuring Your Kids | Tagged: Tagged With: , , , , ,

Mealtime Convos

Posted by on May 20, 2011 Leave a Comment

Last month I won a book at a blog that I subscribe to and was thrilled not only because it meant that I actually WON something [gasp!], but because it was a book by Mary DeMuth, a Christian author I truly admire. I have had the wonderful opportunity to read and review four of Mary’s recent books and was also blessed to meet her two years ago at a conference. Mary’s humility, approachability, and authenticity make her a special person and an author genuinely seeking to glorify God through her craft.

That said, I’d love to recommend her book 150 Quick Questions to Get Your Kids Talking as a companion for your dinner table. Her own introduction says it best:

“I’ve tried nearly every parenting method on the market. Sometimes I’ve felt elated that I’ve nurtured my children the way God wanted me to. Other times I’ve worried that I didn’t discipline correctly. I’ve been stern. I’ve been lax. I’ve wavered. I’ve showered with love. But none of those methods captured my children’s hearts quite so much as something I’ll call conversational parenting–the kind of parenting that requires engagement and discourse.” [pg.7]

Haven’t we all had that feeling of floundering through this journey called parenting? Feeling that at times we hit the mark with grace and poise, while others moments are a pathetic and discouraging miss. For those less-than-perfect episodes, Mary encourages us not to foresake the task but to walk with our kids and engage them with peripateo parenting [check that out on pg. 11].

The book is small in size and divided into ten chapters, each with fifteen questions. Each chapter begins with a vignette and Mary’s own thoughts to stimulate application in your own life. Questions posed fall under topics such as: aspirations, describe, actions and choices, philosophical questions, and “if”.

Published by Harvest House, this book seems best suited to families with elementary-aged kids and older. If you’ve been looking for a way to connect more deeply with your family, reach for this book and get comfortable. You might find your mealtime lasting long into the evening, hearts opening wide, and connections growing deep.

Other Ideas for Using this Book:

  • Grandkids, ask your grandparents some of these questions!
  • Homeschoolers: journal prompts and early-finishers tasks
  • Toss a copy in your purse for your next road trip!
  • Youth group leaders/Sunday School Teachers: engage your students with these questions before/after class rather than idleness and empty chatter [not that all teachers allow for empty chatter...please don't assume the worst of me here]
  • Small group potlucks…copy and cut into squares [Mary's original format] and add them to the bread basket!
  • Leave a copy of 150 Quick Questions in your break room at work
  • Donate a copy to your child’s school for the teacher lunch room…maybe some of these questions will make their way into the classroom!

 

How do you encourage meaningful conversation at home?

 

 

Filed Under: Communication, Dinner Activities, Discussion Ideas, Treasuring Your Kids | Tagged: Tagged With: , , , , , ,

White Boards+Blooms

Posted by on May 11, 2011 Leave a Comment

When I was in college, feverishly working to graduate in four years and keep my loans down to the price of a small palace, I decided on an education major. Dr. Wessman, my intro professor, hammered home the basics of theory and practice, cutting our teeth on names that I, sadly, can now barely recall.

One concept that did manage to cement itself was Bloom’s Taxonomy, a ladder-like way of conceptualizing a student’s [or your child's] depth of understanding. The higher up the “ladder” you climb, the more difficult and abstract the questions become, demanding greater critical thinking and evaluation skills.

We have found these questions to be really handy to have on hand—or at least to have a few tucked away in the brain for family discussions. You can see a great list of examples HERE. One way that we employ this technique is by using whiteboards while we read stories or do family devotions.  For example:

While Reading or After Reading Books:

  • Stop at a critical turning point in the story. Ask your kids to make a prediction about the next events or the culmination of the story. Have them draw this in picture form on their white board and then explain it.
  • To occupy little ones during chapter books, ask them to draw a picture of the main character based on the description given by the author. Have them point out key distinguishing characteristics of this character.
  • As a character struggles with important choices, ask your kids, “What would you do?” Have them do their best to write a sentence on their boards and then explain their choice. This opens up a natural teaching opportunity for you, especially if the choices invite you to explain your morals.
  • Refer to THIS LINK again for other question starters.

While doing Family Devotions:

  • Ask your child to draw the landscape described in the Bible Story. Are you wandering in the desert? Laying palms at the feet of Jesus as he approaches Jerusalem? At the parting of the Red Sea? Give praise for extra details.
  • Have your kids imagine they are spectators to the story. What would they be feeling? Is this a scary time? Exciting? Uncertain? Have them draw their own face to represent the emotion conveyed in the story.
  • Divide your white board into 4 quadrants. Ask your child to focus on the main character and draw or write 4 other stories or words that can be attributed to that character. For example, if you’re reading about Moses, you might draw a picture of the burning bush, Moses as a baby in the basket, parting the Red Sea, etc. If you’re reading about Jesus and have older kids, using words to describe his character can also be powerful: loving, Savior, servant, rabbi, etc.
  • Again, refer here for further question starters and allow your kids to draw or express answers in words.

What creative ways do you use to help your kids dig deeper into their reading?

[photo credit]

Filed Under: Bible Time, Checking for Understanding, Communication, Comprehension Strategies, Discussion Ideas, Teaching Reading, Using Whiteboards | Tagged: Tagged With: , , , ,

Whiteboards + TV

Posted by on May 9, 2011 Leave a Comment

The other morning I positioned my youngest son in front of our bedroom TV while I was showering. One of his favorites, Dinosaur Train, was on PBS and when I peered in on him, I noticed that he had plopped down with his mini-white board and was drawing [what was later revealed to be] his version of a pteranodon.

“Mom,” he said, lifting his white board. “Look what I did! What do you think it is?”

My eyes sprang open, eyebrows climbing half-way up my forehead upon hearing the question. The “guess what I drew” game is always a bit dangerous, isn’t it? Not wanting to disappoint, I craned my neck and squinted my eyes, trying to identify the orange blob that seemed more like some sort of chemical pond than a dinosaur.

“Wow, buddy…Hmmmm…I don’t know.” I paused, rubbing my chin in thought.

“It’s a pteranodon!” he glowed.

“Oh! I can see it now–there’s the thing on top of his head…”

Hearing him describe his creature inspired me: we have used whiteboards while reading [details next time!], but why not while watching an educational program on TV?

If you’d like to turn TV time into something with a little more meaning and staying power, start by purchasing a small whiteboard for each of your kids [available for a couple bucks at Target/Walmart] Here are a few easy ideas!

  • Discuss the difference between main and supporting characters. Ask your kids to identify the main character in the show and draw him/her. Can they do the same for two supporting characters?
  • What was the setting of this show? Can you draw it? Emphasize the details of landscape just as much as those of manmade objects such as bridges and buildings. If you have older kids, ask them to write the name of the state, area, or–if you’re watching Dinosaur Train, the time period.
  • Recall: If you’ve watched the show with your child, conjure up a few questions and allow them to answer by drawing or writing a word answer: What did the dinosaurs use to enter the Jurassic Period? What was Papa Bear working on in the woodshop? What did Laura Ingalls have to bring into town?
  • Ask your kids to imagine an alternate ending. What if the Man With The Yellow Hat hadn’t left George alone in the apartment. What do you think they would have done together? Have your kids draw their alternate ending and then go around and take turns explaining them.
  • Was there a moral of the story? What was the lesson? Discuss or draw.

Of course your kids might protest if every morning becomes a platform for a quiz, however allowing whiteboards to make an appearance every once-in-awhile can be a fun challenge and an opportunity for you to praise their brainpower. Try it and see if TV time becomes a little more intentional–especially with shows that already convey a moral or clear teaching.

What creative ways do you employ to discuss the shows and movies you watch with your kids?

[photo credit]

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Filed Under: Checking for Understanding, Communication, Comprehension Strategies, Discussion Ideas, Uncategorized, Using Whiteboards | Tagged: Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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